


sputnik moment

by waterlit



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Cameos by Kanda and Allen, F/M, Loss, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Post-Break Up, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-14 01:14:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15377469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterlit/pseuds/waterlit
Summary: It's hard to let go of everything she's ever wanted, ever dreamed of—but she'll try.





	sputnik moment

When Lenalee walks along the shore, she dreams of flowers and wine and joy galore, of tales as old as the mountains, of the tragic twists in the narratives of history. She hears Lavi's voice; once again, he tells her the old stories of conquest and war, of romance and mystery, of plague and death and the apocalypse; the legends of how the Vikings of old thundered down from the frosty northlands and married the daughters of the milder Celtic lands.

"I love these stories," she would say. "Tell me more about Odin and the ancient northmen."

Then Lavi would smile, the light in his good eye lighting up his features. He would hold her cold hands as they strode along the shoreline, waves lapping at their unshod feet, and then he would delve into the mysteries of the ancient world, as they were set down in the books of lore.

And now—now, the waves are silent, the birds have gone to roost. The waves sleep gently against the breakwater, and the wind whispers softly, as if afraid to break the solemn silence. Lenalee traces the old path, barefoot, and she sings old songs, missing the feathery touch of Lavi's fingers and his breath ghosting across her cheeks.

When she reaches the end of their path, she sighs and wipes away a lone tear. They say time will heal all pain, so why does she still hurt? Why does her heart still feel like broken glass, why do her tears still flow unnumbered, why does she stay sleepless through the long hours of night?

 _Kiss me_ , she tells the wind, but she only feels emptiness and pale moonlight enveloping her once again.

* * *

 

"For chrissake," Kanda says, "shut your mouth, Lenalee. He can see you gaping like a fool."

Lenalee shakes her head but looks away from the table diagonally opposite theirs. "I am a fool."

"Took you long enough to realise that."

Lenalee picks at her spaghetti. "I'm not hungry."

"Just because you saw him?"

She doesn't deign to reply.

"Is it because of the woman?" Kanda turns to get a look. "He's kissing her."

"Shut up, Kanda. I don't want to know."

"You still love him," Kanda says. "Get a grip on yourself. You can't mope forever."

But all Lenalee can think about are smiles by candlelight and soft kisses and the sweet smell of roses as the waves lap at her feet.

'I will," she says. "Someday."

"Lenalee—"

"Kanda," she says as firmly as she can while tears gather in her eyes. "I just need time."

She doesn't glance over at the next table again the entire time, and walks out the restaurant without looking back. It hurts not to look, not to watch Lavi's animated features, his bright smile and that shock of red hair. But it hurts even more to know he's not hurting, that he's moved on, that she has become nothing more than a memory to him. 

* * *

 

Someday is a long time in arriving.

In the meantime, Lenalee takes to writing poems. Sad, dark, angsty love poems, because they're in fashion, apparently. She sits in her garret and writes; she sits by her porch and writes; she walks to _that_ bistro and orders a coffee and writes.

When Allen comes to visit on his home leave, she smiles and is all dimples and bright eyes. She takes him to the bistro and together, they sip tea and wander through dreams, flitting from one castle in the sky to another.

When Allen is about to leave, he takes her hand and whispers across the table. "Are you sure you're fine, Lena? Kanda told me that—"

"I'm fine," she says, because that's the right thing to say. "See, I'm writing poems."

Lenalee sounds almost hysterical and she knows it and she knows Allen knows it and she knows that Allen knows that she knows it.

He nods, though he can almost see the cracks in her light-hearted façade. "Call me anytime you need to talk," he says.

A megawatt smile, a warm hug, and he's gone. _I won't call him_ , she thinks, as she watches him stride away in his khaki trench coat, _unless my heart hurts so badly it seems like death has come. He has problems enough_.

Then Lenalee shivers and draws her jacket tighter around herself, and thinks back to the day she saw Lavi kissing another woman. She can't get the image out of her mind.

 _Do you still love me, Lavi?_ she whispers, and almost hopes that Lavi will materialise and answer her question.

* * *

 

There's a bridal boutique near her brother's office. She's walking to the Headquarters, and for no perceptible reason she stops at the window and stares at the mannequin. The dress on display is ugly, really, but she wishes for the longest moment that she's a bride-to-be looking for the one gorgeous gown.

Then the door opens and a smart saleslady steps out. "Good evening, Miss. Do you want to step in and try on some of our imported gowns?"

"No," Lenalee says, a little too strongly.

The saleslady looks somewhat surprised and maybe a little hurt, so Lenalee blushes and softens her tone. "I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry."

She walks off, heels clicking, and wonders how it would be like to step into a bridal boutique with Lavi. He would probably make fun of half the dresses and get her to try on the other half.

Her heart squirms inside her again, and she wishes she could cut this annoying organ out.

* * *

 

She remembers the fireworks, the shooting stars, the late dinners and walks during wintry nights. Was their romance doomed from the start?

"I never loved you." That had been his parting shot.

Lenalee lies in bed, glass of champagne in her hand and thinks of how Lavi's face scrunched up as he said that, how his good eye blazed like a star going down.

She cries herself to sleep again.

* * *

 

She's back at their beach, sidestepping the lapping tongues of the water. Lavi's voice is all around her; it's in the curve of the beach, in the cries of the sea-bound gulls, in the crawl of the crabs and in the dance of the wind.

"Lavi!" Lenalee shouts, throwing her voice miles over the silent sea. "I used to hate you. I used to hate you and yet love you."

Now, she can see him again, his hair flying in the wind, the red strands looking artificial against the damp greenery and the harmonious sea. His scarf trails behind him and he is smiling in the gossamer starlight.

She remembers how they used to book weekend tickets and board the trains cross-country in their student days. They'd backpack through villages, sleeping in barns and little hostels, and Lavi would tell Lenalee all the old stories he knew, sing her all the love songs he could remember.

_Are you doing the same to another girl now?_

The wind moans like a sad child, and Lenalee shivers.

_But we have come to an end. This is it. Time does heal all wounds after all. It's hard, but I think I can let go of this sea and its attendant memories. Farewell, Lavi._

Lenalee tosses a little chest—full of letters written on modern parchment, her first love letters—into the sea. She can hear a soft clinking, as if her heart is breaking a little further. There is a tightness in her chest that she attributes to the nipping cold. She feels three years' worth of memories slide into the sea, crashing under the moody waves, sinking into the silent depths of the world.

 _Goodbye_ , she thinks. _I'll try to forget._

And so, she leaves the shore and doesn't look back.

**Author's Note:**

> First posted on FFN in May 2012. Very much inspired by Mad Boy's Love Song by leafyaki over on FFN.


End file.
